What are 3 Tips for Healthy Communication in Intimate Relationships When You Feel Anger?

Close relationships usually bring up strong feelings, such as joy, peace, anger, hurt, fear, and sadness.  How do we manage feelings that come up in intimate relationships?

It may be helpful to think of feelings in the context of “categories” and “intensities”. For example, broad categories of feelings might be anger, sadness and fear. If you feel anger, notice the intensity of your anger.  For example, do you feel a little annoyed, or are you furious? If you feel sadness, are you a little down, or are you feeling devastated? If you feel fear, are you a little nervous, or are you terrified?  With all the prior examples, you could also be feeling in the mid-range of intensity of the feelings.

Have you  noticed that if you feel anger and then express it, you may then get in touch with some other feelings? If yes, what might those feeling be that lurk beneath anger?

Let’s use a simple example: If you are planning to meet your “significant other” at a restaurant for dinner, and he or she forgets to show up, how would you feel?

If this is an unusual event, you would be likely feel worried or concerned about their health or safety. However, if your partner has a pattern of not showing up for another reason, you may likely feel anger.  If you only communicate the anger, and fail to communicate the other feelings, you may be missing a chance to develop a closer relationship. On the other hand, the uncovering of the motivation for the lack of showing up could be a reason to re-evaluate the relationship. Here are some communication tips.

Tip #1 : Given the example above, as you are sitting in the restaurant alone waiting for your partner to show up, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”

Tip #2: If you feel anger, ask yourself, “What else could I be feeling under the anger?” (Could it be sadness, anxiety, or something else?)

Tip #3:  Learn a “Language of Solutions”: Learn to name your emotions that may be hidden under the anger. For example, you may feel hurt, discounted, invalidated and dismissed in the example above. You may feel anxious or fearful in your current relationship. Learning to articulate your emotions, and request a change in behavior may be the first step toward clarity in your relationship.